140: Beacon #1

It’s no fun thinking about how much your child hates you. And yes, I am so very, well aware of the evolution of such hatred…but, my goodness – It hurts. I stayed numb, tired, lazy, and useless for most of the day Saturday. My headache, neck ache, and stomach ache kept me on the couch in the den. And No, these symptoms were not related to being sick. They were absolutely related to being tired.

If you haven’t read between the lines here yet and figured out that I had a major pity-party somewhere between Friday night and Saturday afternoon, then let me be more clear…I had a large, volcanic moment.

The beginning of the eruption unfortunately spewed all over my sweet husband, B. And I hate to admit this, but I’m certain that sweet, little K was splattered a bit too.

But then, my former adversary delivered the first beacon.

Slumping into my car and pulling out of the garage to pick up M from the church, I noticed a message on my phone. It was a Facebook message from a friend. B’s message was simple and kind. It read,

“Love reading your blog, Major Momma! Hang in there. You are amazing…”

Oskee Wow Wow, B. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your 12 encouraging words put the lid on the volcano, and then opened up the essential rain clouds. (That’s code for “I cried all the way to the church”…and, “Boy, did I need that.”)

****************************

I arrived at the church, and now it was M’s turn to slump into the car. He answered my hopeful and routine questions with a “Fine,” “No,” and “No.” To which I responded with a straightforward, 5 minute string of words. And it went something like this…

M, I know you hate me right now and probably want to poke my eyes out. (I don’t know where that eye-thing came from; what a stupid thing to say. I got back on track.) Believe it or not, I am quite certain that you won’t hate me forever. In fact, in 10 years you may even like me again. And it is important for you to know that I will love you through it all; I’ll be waiting on the other side of these tough years to keep on loving you. I really miss the way we used to talk to each other; you are a funny, intelligent, and wonderful person. I look forward to the day that we are close again. But in the meantime, I have to lay down one simple rule. When you are in our home, when I am within ear-shot, and when the people who love you are near, you must be respectful.

No magic there, but there was a rainbow that began to appear in my still-intact, happy eyes.

There were more beacons to come on this day; B’s was just the beginning. (But more on those other great beacons another day. It’s time to go outside and soak in some sunshine.)

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3 thoughts on “140: Beacon #1

  1. Hi Jennifer,

    Friends and support can be powerful, Just when we think we are at the end of our rope, someone reaches their hand down and pulls us up. The emotional exhaustion of this journey can take a toll on a parent’s health, so I would echo the previous comment. Taking a walk helped me, as well as yoga and meditation. It brought me closer to my inner feelings. Sounds like a good day – that is good.

  2. “that I will love you through it all”…beautiful!
    I chose that path, and although daunting at times, it was right for me and right for my daughter. I could never throw the baby out with the bath water! No way!
    Hang onto that rope, let the tears fall, then move forward.
    It’s a journey of 1,000 steps.
    Angels to you my new friend,
    Jacqui

  3. Hi. I’m living a parallel life here in California, but maybe the version you were living a year or two ago… and my situation may likely evolve into boarding school, etc. I just want to remind you that through all of this it is highly important that YOU take care of yourself. If you need an emotional break, find a way to take one. Maybe you need a retreat. It’s not serving you, M or the rest of your family when you are burnt to a crisp. Recharge.

    One love.

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