My intention, in the beginning, was not to share my struggles with the world. This little blog began as a way to communicate with my sister, my parents, my adult step-children, and out-of-town family, as they were all growing in their concern for M.
There was another time during which my life’s journey took me through uncharted territory. It was difficult, confusing, scary, and I felt desperate. But I got through it.
Well, here I was again – facing something I didn’t see coming. This time, however, I was no longer a stay-at-home mom listening to the wisdom of my sister or girlfriends during “play-groups,” or eating lunches that went on for hours at McDonald’s Play Places, or sitting outside on a park bench while our kids played on a jungle gym.
Between time-zones, new careers, and busy families, I couldn’t figure out how to reach my support system. So, taking a tip from the younger generation, I began writing private notes to my friends and family on a little blog that no one else would find. And if someone happened to find it, they still wouldn’t know whose life sounded so out of control because I would stay anonymous.
But then something strange happened. My sister shared it with a dear friend of hers, and out of the blue, this kind person wrote me a letter – and it was that letter that gave me what I needed most…Hope.
I was confused, scared, and desperate, heading down another of life’s unexpected detours, when the wisdom of a stranger gave me the strength to continue to follow my instincts.
To some this blog is quite controversial; they feel this is a private matter that shouldn’t be discussed outside family. Some have suggested that I am ruining my relationship with my child. My question to them would be…How? What “relationship” should I have with my child right now? Do they realize what my child is doing? I’m not trying to be his “friend” – I’m just trying to be his “parent.”
Yes, M hates me right now. And the reason he hates me is because I’m not giving-in to his impulsive and entitled teenage ways. If he “liked” me, then that would mean that I was telling him that it’s okay to break the law, risk his health, treat others with disrespect, and throw his life away. I’m never going to allow him to think that being a teenager gives him a free ticket to such destruction.
Sure, I hope and pray for a good relationship with him when he is an adult – but that time won’t come for quite a while. In the meantime I can handle the cold shoulder, the rolling eyes, the mean names under his breath, and the all around disrespect.
The feedback I’ve received from family, friends, and strangers has been overwhelming. Many nights I’ve read the comments left by readers, and often those words are exactly the words I need to take with me as I trudge through the next day’s adventure.
There is another reason I write – it gets me to sleep at night. This has been my therapy as it helps me reflect and formulate how to deal with the pain, anger, sadness, and frustration. In the old days, I would have written all this down in a little spiral notebook. I only write the truth – nothing here is a secret. (Especially when you consider that you can find everything I write about on M’s and his friends’ Facebook pages.)